"Making It Make Sense" (SM) with Dr. Pamela Brewer
5
OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO SAY
... And Ways To Say Them
by Pamela Brewer MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C
Do you think that most difficult thing to say is "Hello, how are you" in a language you don't speak? Or perhaps it's "Boss, I need to leave early today" or perhaps it's "I know you are asking xxx,xxx for your house, but I'd like to offer xx,xxx for your house." Perhaps all three seem really difficult to say. Perhaps they are. But what often gets people the MOST stuck is ...:
1. "I AM SORRY" THINK ABOUT THIS...
A way to think about this is to acknowledge that since no one is perfect - you don't have to be either. Saying I'm sorry can be one of the most freeing and powerful statements made in a relationship. Saying - and meaning - I'm sorry can also be a powerful tool of forgiveness you offer yourself.
SUGGESTIONS:
HERE ARE SOME WAYS TO THINK ABOUT OFFERING AN APOLOGY...
"I UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT I SAID/DID WAS HURTFUL TO YOU AND I AM VERY SORRY. "
" I AM SORRY. I HAVE HURT US BOTH."
"WHEN WE'RE BOTH READY, CAN WE TALK ABOUT WAYS TO AVOID THIS KIND OF PROBLEM IN THE FUTURE?"
"I WAS ANGRY AND IN PAIN WHEN I ______________, I DO WISH I'D CHOSEN ANOTHER WAY TO EXPRESS THOSE FEELINGS. I AM SORRY."
2. "I WANT TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP" THINK ABOUT THIS...
You have a right to end a relationship. If someone tries to ignore your wishes - perhaps you are being given a reaffirmation that your decision is a right one for you. Just remember that ending a relationship should be a decision you make specific to the current relationship - and not the way you always deal with upset.
SUGGESTIONS:
THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT A GOOD FIT FOR ME."
"THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT WORKING FOR ME."
"WE NEED TO STOP HURTING EACH OTHER. THE ONLY WAY THAT I KNOW HOW TO STOP MY PART OF IT - IS TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THE RELATIONSHIP. I WISH YOU WELL."
3. "I WANT A RAISE" THINK ABOUT THIS...
While it would be great to work for an employer/client who values your work as much as you do - do not assume your work does not have value because your employer doesn't necessarily sing your praises. If you believe you should have a raise, think about the reasons (excluding "I need it", "I'm a single parent," "I have a lot of bills") and present this to your employer. Be clear about your salary goals and clearly communicate this to your employer. Be prepared for the range of responses your employer may offer, knowing that regardless of the response, you have done what you needed to do for you.
SUGGESTIONS:
"I WOULD LIKE TO SCHEDULE SOME TIME FOR US TO TALK WITHIN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. I AM INTERESTED IN REVIEWING MY COMPENSATION PACKAGE WITH YOU."
"I AM INTERESTED IN TALKING TO YOU ABOUT A SALARY INCREASE AND HAVE PREPARED SOME MATERIAL I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CONSIDER"
"I WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS MY WORK THUS FAR AND SHARE WITH YOU SOME OF MY OBSERVATIONS AND GOALS ABOUT MY PERFORMANCE"
BE PREPARED!!
4. "NO" THINK ABOUT THIS...
No is no is no. You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to set limits. If someone chooses to ignore your "no" - it is your job not to! If "no" is what you mean...than "no" is what you mean!
SUGGESTIONS:
DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR "NO" DO NOT BE RUDE ABOUT YOUR "NO" DON'T YELL YOUR "NO" DON'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOUR "NO" YOU DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY YOUR "NO"
5. "I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN" THINK ABOUT...
You have a right to your life and your feelings. Neither you or anyone else has the right to ignore either. TAKE A LOOK AT ITEM NUMBER 4.
SUGGESTIONS:
DON'T THINK THAT IT IS OKAY TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IGNORES YOUR WISHES. TAKE A LOOK AT ITEM NUMBER 4.