"Making It Make Sense" (SM) with Dr. Pamela Brewer
GRIEF...
DOES THE PAIN GO AWAY?
By Pamela Brewer, MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C
THERE ARE MANY TIMES WHEN WE CAN FIND OURSELVES IN A GRIEF STATE – IT CAN BE IN RESPONSE TO A RELATIONSHIP LOST, A TREASURED OBJECT LOST, A PROFOUND CHANGE IN THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE. ONE CAN GRIEVE THE LOSS OF A PET AS PROFOUNDLY AS THE LOSS OF A PERSON.
ONE CAN GRIEVE THE LOSS OF A BELIEF OR VIEW ABOUT SOMEONE AS POWERFULLY AS THE ACTUAL DEATH OF SOMEONE. THE MISCARRIAGE CAN BE AS GRIEF PROVOKING AS THE ABORTION. THE CHRONIC ILLNESS CAN BE AS DIFFICULT TO GRIEVE AS THE LOSS OF JOB, STATUS AND FUTURE DREAMS.
A CONSTANT IN ALL OF THESE SCENARIOS IS THAT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE OF GREAT EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE IS LOST – FOREVER GONE, FOREVER ABSENT; NEVER AGAIN TO BE EXPERIENCED IN THE SAME WAY OR WITH THE SAME EMOTION OR CONNECTION. WHAT IS UNIQUELY DIFFERENT IS THE INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCING THE LOSS AND THE WAY IN WHICH THE LOSS IS INTERPRETED. WHAT CAN BE AMONG THE MORE DIFFICULT LOSSES IS THE LOSS IN WHICH THERE IS LITTLE ABILITY TO OPENLY MOURN (A RELATIONSHIP OF WHICH FEW ARE AWARE, A RELATIONSHIP OF WHICH OTHERS DISAPPROVE, ETC.); OR A RELATIONSHIP IN WHICH THE LOSS IS SUDDEN AND THERE IS NO-ONE WILLING/ABLE TO LOSS IS SUDDEN AND THERE IS NO-ONE WILLING/ABLE TO LOSS IS SUDDEN AND THERE IS NO-ONE WILLING/ABLE TO WILLING/ABLE TO EXPRESS GENUINE SORROW (e.g. TERRORIST ATTACKS, SUDDEN VIOLENCE). PERHAPS THE MOST DIFFICULT LOSSES TO GRIEVE ARE THOSE DEEMED "RANDOM" OR "SENSELESS". A TERRORIST ATTACK, TO ALL BUT THE TERRORISTS, IS SENSELESS AND HAS NO POSITIVE VALUE. THE SCHOOL RIDDLED WITH BULLETS, THE OFFICE BUILDING DEMOLISHED, THE HOME BURNED TO THE GROUND CAN ALL BE THE ACTS OF THOSE WHO WOULD JUSTIFY OR DIMINISH THE HORROR.
WHAT OFTEN MAKES THESE EXPERIENCES SO PAINFUL IS THE ABSENCE OF A GENUINE REMORSE ON THE PART OF THE PERSON (S) CRITICAL IN CREATING THE CAUSE FOR THE LOSS. IN THESE CASES AS IN ALL MOMENTS OF LOSS – IT IS CRITICAL NOT TO BASE HEALING AND RECOVERY ON THE WORDS OR ABSENCE OF WORDS OF OTHERS. HEALING IS AND MUST BE SELF-INITIATED AND SELF-DIRECTED. THE PAIN OF LOSS CAN NOT BE AVOIDED AND SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED. IT IS CRITICAL TO ALLOW THE SELF TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN AND LOSS AND WORK THROUGH THE MANY COMPLEX FEELINGS.
IF YOU ARE GRIEVING:
ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVE SUSTAINED A LOSS THAT IS SIGNIFICANT TO YOU – NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS MAY SAY OR UNDERSTAND.
YOU DO YOURSELF A DISSERVICE BY TRYING TO FORCE YOURSELF TO "RECOVER" TOO QUICKLY. YOU ALSO DO YOURSELF A DISSERVICE BY TRYING TO PRETEND THE LOSS IS NOT REAL.
YOU ARE LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE DENIAL (IT DIDN’T HAPPEN); ANGER (HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN); BARGAINING ("I PROMISE I’LL DO X …JUST MAKE THIS NOT TRUE"); DEPRESSION ("I CAN’T SURVIVE THIS LOSS"); ACCEPTANCE (I HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS LOSS AND WHILE IT MAKES ME VERY, VERY SAD, I KNOW THAT I CAN SURVIVE").
PARTICIPATING IN A SUPPORT GROUP CAN BE A VERY POWERFUL AND POSITIVE STEP TOWARDS YOUR OWN HEALING. READING TO THE EXTENT YOUR CONCENTRATION WILL ALLOW CAN ALSO BE USEFUL. ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. DO NOT TRY TO PRETEND YOU DON’T HAVE THE PAIN YOU HAVE.
IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING:
TRY TO "SIT WITH" THE GRIEVING PERSON’S SORROW. TOO-SOON ATTEMPTS TO "HELP" THE PERSON "SNAP OUT OF IT" ARE MORE INDICATIVE OF YOUR DISCOMFORT WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S PAIN THAN GENUINELY HELPFUL TO THE GRIEVING PERSON.
COMMENTS LIKE "WELL, AT LEAST AT HIS AGE, HE LIVED A FULL LIFE’" OR "AT LEAST YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER CHILD" OR "YOU CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER PET" ARE UNDERSTANDABLE BUT HAVE THE UNFORTUNATE EFFECT OF LETTING THE GRIEVING PERSON KNOW THAT YOU CAN’T TOLERATE HIS/HER PAIN. THIS RECOGNITION SERVES TO INHIBIT THE GRIEVING PERSON’S ABILITY/WISH TO SHARE THE PAIN WITH YOU.
ASK THE GRIEVING PERSON WHAT HE/SHE NEEDS.
BE WILLING TO TOLERATE THE GRIEVING PERSON’S TEARS.
BE WILLING TO KEEP THE GRIEVING PERSON COMPANY WITHOUT REQUIRING THAT HE/SHE TALK, OR BE ENGAGED OR BE "UP."
IF YOUR EMPLOYEE IS GRIEVING:
EVEN IF YOUR COMPANY HAS A RESTRICTIVE POLICY FOR GRIEVING PERSONS, RECOGNIZE THAT PEOPLE GRIEVE FOR A NUMBER OF RELATIONSHIPS AND THAT GRIEF, LIKE DEPRESSION, CAN BE QUITE IMPACTFUL ON YOUR EMPLOYEE’S FUNCTIONING. A CLOSE FRIEND, A LONG-TIME PET, A SUDDEN LOSS, AN ELDERLY PARENT, AN ENDED SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIP, A STILL-BORN INFANT, A ROBBERY, A NATURAL DISASTER … ALL CAN LEAVE A PERSON IN A GRIEF STATE. IN THIS STATE, YOUR EMPLOYEE IS HAVING DIFFICULTY ON MANY LEVELS OF FUNCTIONING INCLUDING CONCENTRATION, DECISION-MAKING, EATING, SLEEPING, SOCIALIZATION AND THE REGULATION OF EMOTIONS. IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, ALLOW YOUR EMPLOYEE MORE TIME OFF THAN THE USUAL 3-5 DAYS. FOR EXAMPLES, CONSIDER EXTENDING THE OPTIONS OF RELAXED DEADLINES, SHARED ASSIGNMENTS, TELECOMMUTING AND REDUCED WORK DAYS FOR AT LEAST TWO-FOUR WEEKS IF NOT LONGER.
GRIEF IS A VERY NATURAL, HUMAN EXPERIENCE. GIVE YOURSELF AND THOSE YOU KNOW THE GIFT OF RECOGNIZING THAT GRIEVING IS A PROCESS OF SAYING FAREWELL TO YESTERDAY AND REDEFINING HOW TOMORROW WILL LOOK. THIS TAKES TIME, PATIENCE, LOVE AND RESPECT. WE HAVE ALL GRIEVED AND ARE ALL LIKELY TO GRIEVE AGAIN. BE PATIENT, BE RESPECTFUL, BE LOVING.