"Making It Make Sense" (SM) with Dr. Pamela Brewer
MEN ...
WILL BE…SILENT???
by Pamela Brewer, MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C
Is it true? Are men unable to speak? If you want to understand a man - must you be skilled at mind reading? Inferring? Supposing? Imagining? Remembering? Just knowing? Figuring out?
Can’t you "just tell" what he’s thinking? What he wants? How he feels? What he needs? When’s he’s cold? When he’s hungry? When he’s frightened? When he misses you?
Are you so silly, so selfish, so exceptionally deluded that you actually think that a man should be able to walk and talk? Shame on you! Don’t you know that men were bred to do and not feel? Weren’t men taught to fix, not listen? You want him to work at his job and work at the relationship?
Are you a man? Don’t you just hate it when women start to yammer on and on about talking and sharing your feelings? Isn’t it a bore when they want you to talk about how you feel and what you’re thinking. Isn’t it just the worst when they start to berate you about listening to them, paying attention to their "emotional needs"? Isn’t that women’s work? If you were supposed to feel wouldn’t you have been taught that a long time ago?
Trouble is… you were supposed to feel and, no, you weren’t taught that a long time ago. A long time ago, you were taught to see yourself as a one-dimensional entity whose job was to protect and secure…the best way you knew how. And if you could not protect and secure, you were considered not a man. Not a person. Indeed, at the height of insult you were referred to as a woman. Someone so filled with feelings that you could not be trusted or respected. While you were learning this skewed view of life, women were taught to see themselves as being completely without strength or power…other than to populate the planet, teach the population, nurture the population, carry all the feelings of the world, suffer in silence and intuitively know what other people thought and felt.
So the real deal…is that both women and men were taught to view only a part of themselves as the whole and to dismiss and deny the other parts of themselves that did not fit into the preferred one-dimensional – albeit painful – view.
So now men struggle with feelings and many aren’t even sure they know what feelings are or how to have them. Many men are trying to understand the value of feelings – not being sure there is a value. After all, you can’t buy, sell or trade a feeling. You can’t see it or touch it.
Many women, tired of the burden of carrying the feelings for the planet, are demanding more from you and themselves. Women are demanding that men think about their feelings, have their feelings and my goodness -–express their feelings.
And for many…the battle lines are drawn…
Men are insisting that talking is just not something they do. Women are insisting that talking is something that must be done.
Alexithymia is disorder that is increasingly applied to men who have extreme difficulty with being aware of or describing their own feelings. Diagnostic criteria include a propensity towards concrete thinking and an inability to engage in imagination. That this is seen as a psychological disorder deserving of clinical attention and treatment is an important step forward in helping all of us understand the critical importance of noticing and articulating emotions.
THINGS TO REMEMBER AS YOU THINK ABOUT COMMUNICATION…
FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE THE CORNERSTONE OF THE HUMAN EXISTENCE.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HAVING "NO FEELINGS". EVEN IF YOU HAVE LEARNED TO SHUT DOWN AND NOT FEEL YOUR FEELINGS, THIS MECHANISM WAS GENERATED BY A SENSE OF BEING OVERWHELMED WITH FEELINGS AND THUS SEEKING TO HIDE FROM THEM … SOMETIMES FROM SELF.
IT IS POSSIBLE TO LEARN TO SHUT DOWN AND AVOID YOUR FEELINGS.
IT IS POSSIBLE TO LEARN A WAY TO OPEN UP AND PROTECT YOUR FEELINGS…
FEELINGS ARE NOT A LIABILITY.
FEELINGS ARE AN IMPORTANT PART OF AN ENRICHED INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL LIFE.
THE EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS IS CRITICAL TO YOUR LIFE WITH YOURSELF AS WELL AS YOUR LIFE WITH YOUR PARTNER.
SILENCE HURTS.
SILENCE DOES NOT WORK
YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO ATTEMPT A FULL AND FEELING LIFE.