SILENCE!
A POWERFUL RELATIONSHIP TOOL
The Negative and The Positive
By Pamela Brewer
QUESTION: What can bring feelings of sadness and fear; anxiety and anger; rejection and harm?
ANSWER: The pain of silence.
QUESTION: What can bring joy and understanding; stress reduction and relaxation and a greater sense of peace, harmony, and calm than many have ever known?
ANSWER: The joy of silence.
QUESTION: What can be used to help, harm, abuse, encourage, to grow, to stifle, to intimidate, to luxuriate?
ANSWER: A most powerful human tool - SILENCE.
Silence in its myriad of forms is a tool that you use everyday.
If you talk so much you cannot hear yourself think let alone someone else, you may be afraid of silence. You may listen attentively when others speak; in which case you are engaging in active silence. You may become so overwhelmed with your unpleasant feelings that you create angry silence.
The elements of silence and the way you think about silence are intertwined in your experience of and use of silence with yourself and others on a regular basis ? whether you do so consciously or not.
Much of how you use silence now grows from your experience of silence during your formative years. In a loving household, attentive silence was used when listening to someone talk about their feelings, their day, their goals, their dreams. In healthy relationships you learned that silence was a time for personal reflection, a time to be alone with your thoughts, a time to enjoy music and art and the air and the world around you. Silence was a time to dream and relax. Silence may have been the experience you had when you first told your parents you were going to be president of the universe or an astronaut or a surgeon or whatever grand plan you had for your life in the coming years. As your parents silently, attentively listened, they then broke the silence with questions and ideas about your dreams. While you were afforded silence as you dreamed your dreams, you and your parents broke the silence and shared those dreams, discussed those dreams and may even have developed an action plan to make those dreams come true. In other words, there was a time to be silent and a time to break the silence. The time to break the silence was not predicated on whether or not you had done the whole job ? thought the whole thought or determined the complete and right answer. Breaking the silence happened sometimes in the beginning of the thought. Sometimes at the middle, sometimes at the end. Breaking the silence was determined by the time you no longer wished be alone with yourself. Breaking the silence was a good thing, a safe thing, and a healthy thing.
In an abusive household, you learned that silence was a weapon or a safety net. Silence could be used to frighten, to threaten, to embarrass. Silence may also have been the way you learned to shield yourself from violence; from the madness and terror of an abusive or neglectful household. In a hurtful household, silence may have been used to endure pain or inflict pain. In a harmful place, silence was never the vessel of good things. Silence was broken only at risk; often unwillingly. Angry silence was used to disconnect. Angry silence was used to block out, NOT hear, and to plan the next assault.
In a loving relationship, silence is used respectfully and actively. Respectful silence is the silence you choose when you are alone with your thoughts, your music, your dreams, your crafts, your goals. Active silence is the silence you use when listening to the words of another; not focused on what you will say next, but on what is being expressed in the moment. You are displaying active silence when you suspend for the moment, your interpretation of what is being said and work to understand what is being said from the perspective of the speaker. Active silence grows from the complete belief that the expressions of others are as important as your expressions. Active silence brings with it curiosity and questioning for understanding; not questioning to interrogate. Active silence produces questioning to produce clarity not to produce a right or a wrong. Active silence = active listening = respectful and loving communication.
JOYOUS USES OF SILENCE (used by those who are respectful of themselves and others)
Feeling music.
Exploring art.
Experiencing the written word.
Active listening.
Creating.
Learning.
ABUSIVE USES OF SILENCE (used by those who are disrespectful of themselves and others)
To punish.
To withhold.
To frighten.
To manipulate.
To control.
NEGATIVE USES OF SILENCE (used by those who have experienced trauma)
To hide.
To protect.
To avoid.
If you use silence joyously, continue to revel in the pleasant and powerful tool you own. If you use silence viciously ? either against yourself or others; realize r that no one deserves such pain and rejection. If you are in a relationship in which silence keeps you safe, think about what, if anything, you need or want to do to be in a consistently more safe environment.
There are those who believe that "if you don?t have something nice to say, don?t say anything at all." In fact, many children were taught this by parents who were attempting to instill in them the inappropriateness of saying the harmful things children know so well how to say. However, when this philosophy carries through into adulthood (and sometimes in childhood too), it can serve to stifle one?s true feelings. Think of how much is not said in the service of "being nice." While it is important to be mindful and respectful of the feelings of others, it is also critical not to forget the importance of being respectful of yourself.
Many times those who choose silence as a way to express/avoid the expression of the feelings are fearful that they will say/do something that is "over the top." Guess what?! The more you fear appropriate self-expression, the more you avoid self-expression, and the more likely you are to feel unable to express. What happens to feelings that stay buried deep within over time? Do the feelings just "go away" because you do not express them? Not at all. In fact, the silence allows the feelings to grow and become more complex and more frightening.
If silence is what you do?consider that it may not be the safe, powerful haven you have believed it to be; perhaps it is not the gift you have thought it to be; and perhaps now is the time to work at freeing yourself of the burden. You can begin with reading and working with a professional who will help you understand and move past your fears.
If you celebrate silence in the ways that are healthy and respectful, be proud of what you do for yourself and others. Be proud of the gifts you give in respectful, active silence ? be joyous of the new learning you achieve.
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