"Making It Make Sense" (SM) with Dr. Pamela Brewer
IS YOUR CHILD THE NEXT SHOOTER? PART I
by Pamela Brewer, MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C
It
can start with seemingly small behaviors. It can start with something
as small as a temper tantrum or a name-calling episode. It can grow to
the use of violent threats when angry. It can then grow to becoming a
murderer at the age of 12.
Does every child who has a temper
tantrum or a name-calling episode grow to be a mass murderer? Of
course not. Will every child who sulks in his room turn to weapons and
the shooting of classmates? No.
How do you begin to judge a child's potential for violence?
As
you look at the list below - look to see if your child fits in to two
or more of the listed items. If you find this to be the case - talk to
your child at once. How is your child feeling? How is school going?
Any problems with teachers? Any problems with other students? Listen
carefully and attentively to what your child has to say. Take your
child to a mental health professional for a complete evaluation as soon
as possible. You owe it to your child, yourself and your community.
The
last thing we need to do is to get into a blaming war about who did or
did not do what to whom or when. That is the easiest way to ignore the
problem and get caught up in chains of fear while only doing more to
bind the chains more tightly. Instead, let's look at expanding our
understanding and thus doing our own problem solving. The one right
answer that will solve it all and make the pain go away never to be
seen again does not exist. However, several solutions will work in
varying degrees and help to create the world we really want. We can
create a world in which children do not feel compelled to take their
pain to school and solve it with a gun.
The numbered items are
taken from a list provided by The National School Safety Center - the
commentary provided with each numbered item is offered as a way to
guide you and challenge you into thinking about your own children and
the children you know.
HAS A HISTORY OF UNCONTROLLABLE ANGRY OUTBURSTS.
Don't dismiss your child's anger by telling yourself all children/adolescents
have temper tantrums. You want to pay particular attention when the
anger appears to be above and beyond.
ROUTINELY RESORTS TO VIOLENT THREATS OR ABUSIVE LANGUAGE.
This
behavior is neither funny nor acceptable. Be clear with your child
that this is not acceptable behavior. Do all that you can to ensure
that you are not modeling threatening or abusive behavior in your home.
EXHIBITS A PATTERN OF SUBSTANCE USE
The notion
that you tried it when you were a kid, or that "all kids try drugs" can
no longer be the comfort zone you used to allow it to be. Pay attention to the
potential for drug use. Have your child tested if you believe there is
an issue. Talk with your child's counselors. Take your child in to
the doctor's office for regular physicals.
4. HAS FRIENDS WHO ARE "ON THE FRINGE".
This
can often feel like a fine line to cross as you struggle to know the
difference been "on the fringe?" and "kids being kids". Take the time
to talk to your child and your child's friends you will begin to get
a sense of the difference. Talk with their parents. Know whom your
child spends time with and is influenced by.
5. DOES NOT HAVE FRIENDS.
This
is an important and disturbing sign that your child may be trouble.
Children who feel isolated often experience depression. Do not assume
that your child's sadness is "just a phase". Pay very careful
attention to your isolated child. Try to engage them in talk. Learn
your child and how he/she feels. If the child's depressed mood persists
more than a two weeks or if the quality of the depression seems to far
out way the identified precipitant during a shorter period of time or
you are unable to identify a precipitant - Get help for your child now.
6. HAS SHOWN A PREOCCUPATION WITH WEAPONS.
A
true trouble spot. It is important to explore this carefully and
continually with your child. If your routinely keep guns in your home
do everything you know to do and then just a little more to KEEP
YOUR WEAPONS AWAY FROM YOUR CHILD. Consider removing your weapons from
the house. Weapons and children just don't mix.
Period.
7. IS CRUEL TO ANIMALS.
These children are in trouble. Get him/her help. Today.
8. HAS LITTLE TO NO SUPERVISION.
Today's
world is often very complicated and many parents are unable to
provide the one on one interaction with a child that they would like.
If you are one of these parents, think about your options. Is there an
after school program, a relative, a mentor? Is there someone who can
provide your child the contact he/she needs and deserves? IF you think
about the times when you have been lonely and multiply that by a
million that is often what unsupervised children experience.
Children need and benefit from supervision and attention.
9. HAS WITNESSED VIOLENCE IN THE HOME.
This
is a critical indicator that your child is more likely to become a
victim of his/her own rage. Talk to your child constantly and
ELIMINATE THE VIOLENCE. Violence does not make a child stronger. It
makes a child more vulnerable.
HAS EXPERIENCED NEGLECT IN THE HOME.
There
are many ways to neglect a child. You can be in the home and neglect
your children. Don't do this. Many parents learn to listen to their
child with one ear while focusing on something else. Bad decision.
Try to have family meeting at least weekly. Know what is happening in
your child's life. In addition to the fact that child neglect is a
crime you may be creating a child filled with pain and confusion about
his/her own worth. Be sure you do not unknowingly do to your child
what well may have been done to you.
ROUTINELY BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS/HER BEHAVIOR.
Be
careful not to help your child look for ways to skirt responsibility.
Children must be taught to accept responsibility for their own
behavior. Be very careful that you are not the chronic rescuer. If
your child learns that he/she WILL experience the fruits of his
behavior both good and bad - your child will learn to be thoughtful and
responsible. If your child learns that no matter what he/she does, you
will swoop in to rescue, your child will learn to disregard rules,
scoff at society and push the limits of societal norms in ways that can
be harming to all.
PREFERS VIOLENT GAMES, SHOWS AND PLAY.
Unfortunately
you may have to work hard to protect your child from the violence in
the media it is critical that you continually talk to your child
about the violence and the uselessness of it all.
HAS ATTEMPTED OR THREATENED SUICIDE.
Yes.
This is a cry for help. And a whole lot more. This is a demand for
clinical attention and YOUR attention. The depression that leads to
suicide or suicide attempts is laced with anger turned inward. Can you
be sure that the anger your child feels won't turn to the killing of
others?
HAS MOOD SWINGS.
Your child could be
depressed. Many teens struggle with depression. Don't ignore this.
The mood swings could also be associated with stress or drug use.
Without a complete medical health and mental health evaluation you
can only guess. Stop guessing. Take your child in for an evaluation
now.
USES VIOLENCE OR DEATH AS THE THEME FOR SCHOOL PROJECTS.
Too
many time parents find children's behavior upsetting and get into
arguments. There is nothing to argue about. Using violence or death
in an unacceptable theme for a school project. If your child is doing
this, talk to your child. Work to understand your child's thinking in
this. Meet with school counselors. Keep an eye on his behavior.
16. COMPLAINS OF BEING THE SUBJECT OF BULLYING OR THREATS AT SCHOOL.
Pay
attention to what your child has to say. Careful attention. This is
not a feeling to be dismissed. It is hurtful and unfair for your child
to have to fend for him/herself. Bullies can be dismissive and quite
cruel. While you understand that bullies are also children struggling
with their own self-esteem issues don't help the bully to harm your
child by attempting to diminish the hurtfulness of the bullying
behavior when talking to your child. Don't try to handle this on your
own. Meet with the principal. Meet with whomever you believe
appropriate at the school. Recognize that your child needs a feeling of safety while at the same
time helping your child to see that bullying behavior does not get
rewarded with silence from his/her victims.
POST SCRIPT:
A society can create violent children. It will take a society to
heal the children who have violent thoughts and behaviors. It will
take the efforts of us all working very hard to teach children and each
other that violence is neither funny or powerful or useful. Violence
kills. Death is permanent.
Remember that you MUST take your
child in to see a mental health professional if you have any concerns.
DO NOT DOWNPLAY your child's behavior as being "childhood pranks".
PAY
ATTENTION!
RESOURCES:
National School Safety Center
National Association of School Resource Officers (NASRO)