IS IT TIME TO ACT?
A Brief Primer on
Relationship Ending Planning
by Pamela Brewer, MSW, PH.D., LCSW-C
For most, entering into a relationship is a hope and a promise for the future. The anticipation is that you will be happy and respected, supportive and supported in good times and in bad. The imaginings tell you that the good times will be wonderful and the bad times will be few and manageable. Sometimes, that is not the case. The dreams turn to nightmares, and the anticipations are filled with fear. Perhaps you think it is time to consider leaving. Relationship endings can be as challenging and exhausting as relationship beginnings. Just as you planned your attire, your venue and your wish list for the relationship beginning, so too are you wise to plan your departure. Sometimes a planned departure can make all the difference?
ARE THERE SIGNS THAT COULD SUGGEST THE NEED TO END A RELATIONSHIP?
Do not kid yourself into believing that while your partner is bad to you he/she is a "good parent to the children. If he/she is hurting you - the children are being hurt as well.
A "good?"parent/partner does not demean or harm the co-parent/partner in any way and certainly not within eyeshot or earshot of the children.
Healthy/respectful partnering and parenting is as much about creating a loving, emotionally and psychologically safe environment as it is paying the bills and setting limits.
If your partner is in the practice of blaming you for his/her bad day and is unwilling to work on this part of his/her personality there is a significant problem in the relationship that you can not fix on your own.
NEVER take a threat lightly.
If your partner has ever forced you to do something against your will, you have to understand that he/she does have the capacity to harm you again.
If weapons, drugs, alcohol are a part of the relationship, while removal does not necessarily guarantee safety, their presence certainly guarantees extreme risk.
Do not teach your children that any behavior is acceptable as long as there is a partner in the house.
You/your children do not HAVE to have another parent in the house at all costs. What you and your children deserve is be in safe and respectful relationships in safe and respectful environments.
10. Stalking is not a behavior of "endearment" It is not "cute" or "romantic". It is a life altering crime.
11. Jealousy is not flattering. It can be very dangerous.
12.Unresolved infidelity does not just "go away".
IF YOU CHOOSE TO LEAVE:
1.If your partner was violent or threatening or erratic during the relationship, the odds of this behavior escalating intensify.
2.Have at least one trusted friend/family member with whom you can problem-solve and plan.
3.Have an emergency exit plan for you and your children.
4.Have a safety plan for you and your children.
5.If you are in a fearful situation and legal action is necessary - work with a legal professional who has experience with domestic violence (including emotionally terroristic behavior).
6.Have a photo of your partner? Be sure people are familiar with his/her appearance.
7.Document all events.
8.Do not assume that your partner has suddenly had an epiphany and is now a new and rational person. If he/she exhibited problematic behavior during the relationship - be careful and concerned as you work to exit the relationship.
9. Be sure to let local authorities know about your concerns. Do not be still, do not be quiet.
10.Do not spend your time or energy trying to understand your partner's behavior. Do not try to make it make sense to you. It will not.
11. Do not make excuses for your partner's behavior. You will exhaust yourself for no useful reason.
12. Do not blame yourself for your partner's behavior.
COMMENTS? CLPSINC@AOL.COM
Copyright (c) 2008 Pamela B. Brewer All Rights Reserved